American Glizzy Drama: Nathan’s vs. Chestnut

Forget about what's going on in the world right now with Caitlin Clark getting welcomed to the WNBA, which is the first time any WNBA player has been welcomed into the WNBA. The league is now taking the WWE 'Attitude Era' approach and has hired script writers for the remainder of the season with the wave of fans and attention. Besides this tragedy, our nation is racing to the bottom as 'The New York Post' revealed that Joey Chestnut will not compete in this year's 4th of July Nathans Hot Dog Eating Contest.

The decision to ban Chestnut came from the higher-ups at Nathan's and the MLE (Major League Eating). I would love to see the front office executives for these companies. MLE and Nathans released Chestnut due to his new brand deal with Impossible Foods. Just imagine Michael Jordan wearing a pair of Asics in Game 6 of the 1993 NBA Finals - think of the heartbreak.

Now, I've never seen more than 30 seconds of a hot dog eating contest unless you're at an airport bar or TGI Fridays. There is no need. I'm not sure who sets their DVR to watch a food-eating contest on ESPN 2—the same way I don't understand televised CrossFit competitions.

But Chestnut's decision dampens the one genuinely American tradition on the 4th of July. How else will he make money? Will we see Chestnut competing in an 'Impossible Sausage Eating Contest'? Instead of Coke, they'll wash down a mouth full of fake Glizzy's with Almond Breeze?

If you have a mini fridge within arm's reach of your recliner and were the fraternity brother who drank beer off the pong/dinner table, Chestnut still holds the title and wants to defend it - now is the time to step up.

Responding to this news, an Impossible Foods spokesperson said, "It's OK to experiment with a new dog. Meat eaters shouldn't have to be exclusive to just one wiener." Somewhere in the world, someone's single friend also said this.